Writing

2023 works

_____

_____

theres a line that crosses us

On my arms it says your name

_____

I wish I could write you and tell you all of the stars

 I cant even lie
It happens to us all the time
And I wish you try
I wish you would try

I’m not holding onto nothing
I’m not holding onto a sentiment

 I wana run
Until I feel my fingertips
Met by sun

 
Slipping through the core of you
While you’re left alone
On the floor of your apartment

Asking what’s next
On the radio
Had a glass of bourbon 
Falling asleep easily

 And all of those things
We wish we were scared of

Bad I wish a meteor would crash into us

 Inside of my notes app reads
Why are u depending on purpose
b
I was going to write something clever, I was kind of high
Something using the alternate meaning of ‘purpose’
I was wondering if I wanted to kill myself
I didn’
t

 I have this dream where
We are stuck inside of
A movie theater & everytime
I move closer you move away

 I will sink to you
no matter the depth
to be 7 miles deep
in the ocean
and 95 million miles
to the sun
feels the same as it does
when you are
arms length from me
i let go of my arm
and tugged yours
will we let life float


To sink to you
Free falling down
7 miles of ocean
We will meet
I know the options
Have become slim
Scuba gear and swimming
Are hardly linear

Agitating i can't recollect
Motivated to be heard
bubbles floating to the surface
That no one will see
I’m okay that way
With the reality
Density will kill us both
Crush our heads and feast

I didn't see anything
Just your body
And 4 other colors
The sun can't reach us here
But I’m okay
With being alone
And I’m okay
With asphyxiation
-

When your topology impressed me
Indoctrinated with 

 I feel invisible today
no hot temperatures could hurt me
my mothers hugs could not heal me
if i spoke the words would never come out
because my insides enjoy trapping my thoughts
my voice box has stopped working
i think anyways

 black snow tracking me back home
specs of dust
exposed by rays of lights 

 My meadow is dried up and dead
Smog fills the city
My eyesight is far too damaged
To tell if you’re still crawling

 Tomorrow is already gone
I am going to take the exit
from this world 
And when i do i pray that 
the fire alarm waits a few seconds
before abruptly buzzing

 Tomorrow is already here
I know how it will feel
To lay atop your willowed out hope
And the greyness of your laugh
only insinuates that fact your gone
your gargoyle tears 
corrupt me

Tomorrow has already passed
Like a bus in the city i can never catch
I'm going to lay my head on the concrete
with my blanket curled up and wrapped

 
On my way to band practice
we bass by a Barber/Gunshop
On my way home from band practice 
my mother comments on the wait; complaints 

The car ride home is rather silent
i wonder in the passenger's seat
why i feel i cannot speak
to anyone in person
if my father was here would it be any better: maybe
i wonder why it feels like im 1000 miles away from anyway i talk to
it brings me to tears as i'm on the way up to my room
to lie in my bed
to talk to friends on the computer 
to ignore my school work
to accept that i'm wasting my life today
a feeling so overwhelming
i cannot comprehend
the guilt i feel 
most times

 Aint know one depending on you
You’re empowered by that freedom
The grace that you hold is only temporary
Hide it deep in the ground 
Before it gets stolen
You will one day lose it
But then you can bury it up when the time is right

 There is the warm heartbeat
That keeps me latched to the bedside
As your legs go into the air
And a blade of sun breaks through
 The window of our apartment
Exposing all of the bits of aerosol in the air
The love in the air is in part due to
Your grandmother's quilts lying around 
 The place
Diamond patterns, and inseams sewed
 By hand
On our iMac we are looking up songs on
 Spotify
You love all of the songs I show you
You’re not used to them, that’s why
In the summer I become frantic
You haven’t found this out yet
I hope you don’t judge me when I act out
My guitar is laying over by your dresser
Makeup is laying on top of it and it’s expensive
You like the expensive stuff I have never
 Heard of
I won’t judge you
My hands sink into the pocket of my jeans
I’m tugging on the small amount of money 
 I kept in them
Now I get reminded of the $5 my mother used 
 To give me before I went to the skating rink

 I am a fiction writer
If i was not
Every word would be true
But then
I would not have
This drape to hide behind
I am a fiction writer

 Laying on my side
i am crushing my arm
my eye is irritated 
because i wore my glasses
to watch a movie
my tv in my room is too far
from my face to see properly
so i have to wear glasses
now i want to sleep
but i also want to listen
to music

 October is quite chilly. I went out with my coat i believe. i can’t remember. besides the point anyway

 How are the guitar lessons going
what can you play
...
c’mon, show me
my hand drifts from the twelfth fret
(6th string)
all the way up to the second 
(6th string)
finger off
end scene

 as i wake up
my whole body aches
i never know why
yawning causes my throat
to ache
so thoroughly 
my
head
could
explode

 Listening to quiet gentle music
Legs crossed, fidgeting my thumbs
Picking at them until the skin deteriorates 
Until it becomes raw and numb

I think images, I think you.
I try and watch movies
I hardly get 5 minutes through
I think of things to do instead
I think “what if it’s not the best film
I could be watching”
I imagine what it’s like on set
I wish every line was true

Most things 
Don’t motivate me like they do you
I’m quite nihilistic in my approach towards life
I’m loving in heart
Manifest you
Back into my arms
Carry you away
Tearing apart

 Like a leaf floating down it’s stream, I have no say in my direction. Only hope that it can go down and down and down. But not down in the metaphoric sense.
I want to ride the wave’s of life, even if those waves are small raindrops landing, splashing on a thin puddle. 
Maybe on the side of the street. 
Which means that it will evaporate slowly after the sprinkling of water falling down comes to a halt.
Losing control has such a negative connotation. I think it’s quite beautiful.

 I’m giving the code
You’re writing down the numbers
You say math’s hard
Yeah, well.. It’s not really math

This reminds me, I’m always late
To all of my classes
French in particular

 If I get that money this summer that means big things man
God, I really need that money this summer
Hey, can you wire me the money for this summer 
I promise I can pay you back
I need it
So I can buy cool stuff
I’m thinking of rings & stuff
I never get much new clothes, I wanna ballout
& jewelry… I’m never thinkin’ of jewelry 
But yeah, I need you to wire me that money soon
Can you?
I was thinkin’ of getting myself a place
New York maybe
I got some friends down there
Maybe UK, maybe
I got some friends down there
I don’t know man, I need a ticket though
That’s what I need
Are you still able to wire that money?
I need some time to think
& a Lot of time to plan this
But I still need that money quick
I’m thinking tickets
I needa get a ticket somewhere
Crash some places
& post on my Instagram story asking if I can crash with anyone
Maybe that will work
I wanna take photos of me getting on/off of the plane
I need those for my Instagram profile
So if you can send that money soon I’d appreciate it
Maybe we can Uber some food or something
& we can drink caramel frappes & talk about my old blog that I don’t use much & when we get bored of that we can smoke some weed (which we stole from our mom) out of our old LaCroix can; now turned into a bowl
But once we are done with that you’ll start getting anxious & I’ll start wondering why we smoked all that & we will both go back to our rooms, lay down & then fall asleep & then wake up regretting yesterday 

 I let my arm fall asleep hoping no one would notice. While I took in the feeling of it being completely numb. I rest my head into my arms that are laying on my desk. I start crying from the usual stress that consumes the better part of me in the mornings.

     It is 3:00, the bell will ring in 30minutes. I hate this fucking projector playing a documentary about war. Just like how I hate my self hatred that is always projecting onto something.

     And just like that I fall asleep. I usually don't have many dreams in class. Occasionally I do and today I dreamt of a drug dealer best friend. He got his girl in a red pickup truck and I ate percocets in his motel room. They were the size of apples. I felt guilty about stealing his products.

     I feel a pat to the head. “Hey, you gotta get up”. A girl in the back of class laughs at me. I look up and see my teacher, my leg is asleep from my position. I can barely move. My 
eyes head to the clock; it’s 3:32. My brother is waiting on me. 

     In a nervous panic I make an attempt to get up. Limping to the door, I slip and crash to the floor. The girl in the back laughing harder. My teacher is speechless. Kids running down the hallway looking over and seeing me, making faces too.

      I get up and run out of the school feeling weak hoping that never happens again.

 Im listening to my neighbors argue in the morning
hiding under my blanket falling asleep
listening to my favorite song to drown out the noise

i hide
besides dark brown logs
and big patchy branches
i live
near rocks and high meadows
where is my house today
if the storm struck i could face 
something i'm not ready to 
If I peek back out will I be seen?
am i clear to go? really?
no... i shouldn't
i run back to hide

tomorrow i want to forget before it begins
because i know my ideas will reject me
and i'll be forced to hover in the sky forever

I wanna ride in a bus and just follow the road
listening to songs that i know.

I wanna look out the glass and look at stars from above
watching as passengers go.

I wanna kick on the seats until my feet start to numb 
and dig my fingers into the cushioning. I wanna get off real slow.

Off to the right there is a pile of books. Not for sale.
I get that you probably understand something that I don’t.
My manager said I should stop looking at the window and that

maybe I should clean it instead of stare at it. 
I clean the window and remember different things.
I’m off now. I should go stand in my kitchen or in my bedroom.

 look at the sky upside down for a while
you can feel yourself moving

a wind turbine will explode
nearby
im stomping on leaves
and snapping twigs with my fingers

Most nights I am
writing
Most days I am
huffing air duster
All of my friends say
the molecules in 
my brain
will die
I say to them
the fuck do you know
about molecules?
It's currently 4 a.m. 
I am wondering why the street 
lights are so bright 
while opening my window I am faced
with the reality that it is midday
cars are driving down the street
and the sun is shining
I look down at my phone
press the button to turn it on
my lockscreen is telling me it’s 1 p.m

I  am  walking  into  a gas  station  with   my  mother       
quite  small  in  area,   outside of  a  Wal-Mart which
wreaked                          of                              coffee
I   could   see    the   coffee   machine  as  soon   as
I  entered  with  signs  labeling  the  prices   per cup 
size    while   my    mom   bought    her    cigarettes 
she  asked  if  the  point  system worked  there  the 
cashier  replied  “Yes, it  does,  2  points  per  pack”
she   seemed   enthusiastic,  like  a  smoker  herself
proud  that  she  could  inform   her   contemporary 
my  mom  was buying a  $50  carton  while  I try  to 
do        the       math      quick      in       my      head
“cool”    my   mom  replies  to   the   cashier  as  an 
exchange    of    quarters     and    a     3 dollar    bill
are           put            onto             the           counter
on     the     drive     back     home       down       the
highway   I am     looking    over   into  the   driver’s
I notice   mom    is   drinking  a Pepsi  she  has  just 
bought,  I ask  for  a  sip  and  drink  it  while  I  look 
to   the   right    peering     through     the     window
the   speed  we   are going  makes  everything  look
like   paintings  colliding   at  once  &  I can feel  the 
cola     rolling     right     on      down     my      throat

 I want to do a lot of things
writer, director, poet, musician
“Get rich off one thing ‘n’ you can do whatever the hell you want”

& this isn’t exactly ideal because
I know there’s no momentum 
In the way I fee

 We were purest in those springs which were fading
into the summers that fell in a fleeting loop
always coming to a halt by the first apricot stricken leaf

You must not condemn with mason jars
only let them breathe with the moth light that shuttered
let them go & wonder, listen as shoes scrape

Mom will call
When supper is ready
Dad’s home
Dad’s finally home

To relive this day

Listening to quiet, gentle music
legs crossed, fidgeting my thumbs
picking at them until the skin deteriorates 
until they become raw; lifeless
taking drags after the show
laying on the roof of your apartment 
you can hardly pay for this
settling right down on your life’s worth
sitting atop, filling our lifeless lungs away
“who needs them anyway”
noting in my head: you are a lot less of a person
when mine, and when that meaning dissolves
You could finally sprout, god knows the time it takes
I feel myself becoming envious whilst claiming so
As if I’m holding you back? This feeling doesn’t sadden me
I just imagine the worries that will remain
if you disintegrate into dust before we say goodbye
and how I would search until I’m cracked
Listening to you, my off-beat rhythm

Sometimes I wish to evaporate into the sky
     like a tiny raindrop  

Yesterday  I  learned  how to  restring  my  guitar
I  did    it    myself
I   was   proud
This morning while tuning, the b string snapped
right in front of me
it shocked me

 I am walking into a gas station
quite small in area, outside of a Wal-Mart
it wreaked of coffee
I could see the coffee machine as soon as I entered
with signs labeling the prices for the cup sizes
while my mom bought her cigarettes 
she asked if the point system worked there
the cashier replied “Yes, it does, 2 points per pack”
she seemed enthusiastic, like a smoker herself proud she could inform her contemporary
my mom was buying a $50 carton
I try to do the math quick in my head
my mom replies “cool” 
On the way home we are driving down the highway
Looking over into the driver’s,
mom is drinking a Pepsi she has just bought
I ask for a sip and drink it while I look to the right,
peering through the window
The speed we are going makes everything look like paintings colliding at once
I can feel the cola rolling right on down my throat

I love science so much, I think it’s criminally underrated. I know almost nothing about it. No aspirations to become a scientist, or a chemist or all of the above. I mainly love the words... they’re so complex and simple at the same time. Though I must admit, I am awful at chemistry in school though. It doesn’t click much for me. When numbers come in that is when the illusions fade, no more magic in it anymore. I also hate sci-fi movies; not that I have seen many, at all, but they seem to be fantasizing it too much. I’m really into the science about how maybe a flower grows, stars exploding, those kinda things.

 Time doesn’t have limits, neither does love / Self Sabotage
You’re the one I’m waiting on.
I’ll wait for hours
But, God, time doesn’t have limits or rules, and it doesn’t have love.
If only it did. If only. Love doesn’t have limits or rules, and especially time.
I choose to keep the guilt out at every moment I can. Everyday the letters get shorter and the sentences grow thinner. 
The details become muck. Thick wisps of cloud floating in that water. 
It all comes out. You know, and I can feel it. Bleeding through with every message and call. I can’t reassure you. I can’t reach one arm out for you. 

Leaves begin sprouting 
your allergies rise again
flowers form into beautiful beings
the sun is beaming down on a park
the metal slide as hot as an oven 
Leaves begin to decay 
nights become damp
skateboards rolling down the street
Silhouettes of what used to be trees,
now decaying logs with a cold undertone
the remains of a squirrel on the road you 
 pass by walking home from school, that the
 snow tracks, as if you had just committed the 
 crime of taking that poor creature's life

 Energy will combine in a million
different ways
& burst
the clouds 
are the teeth
to the skys’
big mouth

I’m watching a movie
& then I’m watching a movie
I hope that I can finish this one
If i don’t i’ll get upset

 Back to school shopping at the mall
Sleeping with jeans on
Waking up
Jogging with jeans on

 Your pictures are great & they inspire me
They make me want to touch something, just really feel it
They make me wanna write down the first thing in my head
They make me want to sleep with my alarm clock turned on and just sleep while it beeps because I can
They make me want to watch the fireworks in the firework emoji explode
God, you’re great
God is grateful he made you
& he admires you
You’re beautiful

 Sleeping in the dark. 
With a wasp in my
room

 I’m walking slowly
then I’m walking fast
I’m walking by you
& you’re walking past

 Car crash before second hour
As you got out of bed
I saw a motorcycle driving closer
I watched as they collided
I’m 2 hours late to class
Drinking coffee & laying down
On a bench outside of campus
Looking at the clouds 
& airplanes fly by

 When I cross the road
I must admit a small part of me
has a hope that a car sneaks up behind me
& crashes into me
But not today !
or ever
but sometimes

 
I just sit there on the couch
While you cry profusely and plead
Theres a monster living inside of me
It has a water bed and eats the hair
 that is sometimes in my food
I will scroll through apps on my phone
 until I start crying with you
Hoping that will comfort you
But if it doesnt I always have animal 
 crackers
The school work that is due tomorrow
  won’t do itself I say
You nod, look away, nod again, stare off, 
 and sink your head into the comforter again
I sit there for about an hour doing my algebra
 homework
I’m not actually doing it all, I’m playing flash
 games on the laptop
Trying to hold back remaining tears that I feel 
  Are going to burst at the surface
And you know I’m hurting, I hope
if Chef’s pizzeria hasn’t made that clear I
 would reach into your brain
And pull out every little bit of doubt you have

 go slow and let the layers
build
you could hold on for a while
unless you slip
and don't lie
about your friends out of state

I have fantasies
about planes friends and train rides
Because I remember having friends
And our little personified addictions
Living inside each others love
Finding harmony in shared thoughts
I leave the house once a week
For my weekly walk of course
And the only human I ever see
Is the single person at the basketball courts
Therefor I’m typically angered at them
Since they had beat me there and 
I am far too shy to go within a 300 feet 
Distance with them and 
This is the part where inside i feel like a failure
My feelings overwhelm me and I give out
Who am I to be this desperately lonely 
What right do I have to be so
The tape gum I got for easter tastes so good
And I spit it out when all of the flavor exits
And resume cutting another piece off 
Until there is nothing
Left with an empty shell fathering tape gum
300 feet away from a basketball court
With the athlete who has left 10 minutes ago

 Living in the underpass
Telling myself I’ll get up one day
And when all is lost I huddle back down
Reciting this poem over and over:
I sleep when I feel
no reason to stay awake
most days and nights
I feel that way

 I can always find you 
tampering with our history
Nevermind the progress
run inside the house with families
Take it out your backpack
do what you say you're doing
and if we have to run then so be it
lime candies raining
i cannot avoid you straying from the sun
sundrop fairies
nothing is too hopeless when you have a mission
and intuitive to fulfill it
Take it out your backpack
write your lectures down by pen
light another one while you think
jogging in circles around the street
i cannot find you living by the sun
will i have to remind you 
get up get up get up
i cannot hide you weaving through the terrace
i could never strike you
looking like a murders happening
day time in suburbs i can hear clocks and ticking
traffic in an hour and we have made no money
i lay here in the terrace wiping off the dirt
you stepped in
and if i could just lie to you
I'm not mad at all

 I do research on science related things late at night
Into the early morning 
If I didn’t have a mouth I’d be considered a moth
So I’m usually grateful I have one
But today I am not
And I can feel my insides shifting
While rain taps on my roof
The next time I see a fly I will kill it
I wish I was a moth
And didn’t have a mouth
I wish I was better at speaking
Because I’m almost a moth

Imagine
I flew 
like rain
in season;
Autumn
and outgrew
my shell
uv lights
inside my bones
your eyes
dont see 
my glow